1. If you're her friend, you're important to her

Your mission now is to move her from platonic importance, where she's worried about the fallout, to romantic importance, where she's worried about something else.

Namely, that she might lose you or miss being with you.

To do this, we're going to change the way you behave with her.

Don't worry: the behavioral changes we're going to make will be ones she likes.

Some of them may drive her a little crazy at first, or even fill her with confusion and doubt - but girls like that feeling; they like to feel emotionally caught up in an attractive, convincing man.
You'll never turn a friend into a girlfriend by remaining the same platonic, reliable, steady friend you've been.

Instead, you have to appeal to your inner bad boy...

and bring out in her the feelings she's had for other men she's dated.

Don't worry, you can still be a great guy - but we need to make her see you as a guy she wants to date rather than a guy she wants as a friend.

Are you ready?

Let's get started!
2. WHAT GIRLFRIEND DECLARATION DOES FOR YOU

A girlfriend declaration like this one, in which you don't admit or imply that you have feelings for her, has several effects:

A. It indicates that you're open to a relationship. She may have thought you were a happy bachelor.

Or she may not have thought of you romantically at all. By stating this, you change the way she perceives you, from "my platonic friend" to "my friend looking for a girlfriend".

B. It implies that there's competition for you.
She knows that if you have a girlfriend who isn't her, you'll be less available to her. The new girlfriend may even cut her off from you completely (as girlfriends can be wont to do or try to do).

Here you're creating the first seeds of scarcity by making her realize that she could lose you.

These two changes - making her see that you're now "the guy looking for a girlfriend"

And

Introducing the risk that she might lose her connection with you to another girl - lay the groundwork for everything we're going to do next.
3. HOW SHE REACTS TO THE GIRLFRIEND DECLARATION DOES'T MATTER

Some girls may react to a girlfriend's declaration by immediately declaring their candidacy: "How about me! Make me your girlfriend!"

They may say it sincerely or in a joking tone. Remember that "many truths are told in jest".

If she does this, you're acting as if you've never thought about it before and creating an opening for him to pursue you a bit. You can use a barrier for this:

YOU: [Girlfriend statement]

SHE: What about me? I'm single! [laughs
YOU: Oh, yes. You are! You're very attractive. And we have a great connection. But wouldn't that jeopardize our friendship?

SHE: I'm sure we could manage. [embarrassed laughter]

YOU: Hmm, okay. Well, I'd like to try! It would be funny if we ended up getting married. [joking]

SHE: [laughs] Yes.

It's very simple: if she volunteers, you:

A. Qualify her (tell her she's attractive and that your relationship is excellent).

B. Then set up a simple barrier ("Wouldn't that jeopardize our friendship?").
C. If she suggests that the barrier isn't a problem, let yourself be swayed and tell her that, in that case, you're okay with giving it a try.

D. As an option, you can make a little projection into the future, as in the example where you joke lightly about how "it would be funny if we ended up getting married, haha - we'd just been friends forever, we'd never even thought about it!".

Or if you try and she just accepts the "Yes, you're right, we shouldn't risk our friendship" or "I know, I was just kidding" barrier, then you let it go.
If you make a girlfriend statement and she doesn't volunteer, that's not a problem either.

If she tells you she understands... or even wants to HELP you ("I have friends I could introduce you to!"), she'll say, "We should hunt together!". "We should go out and hunt together!") THAT'S GOOD.

The goal isn't to turn your friend into a girlfriend right away with the Girlfriend Declaration.

The goal is to plant a seed that will change the way she sees you and let it germinate in her mind.

It's not about getting a fixed reaction, it's about planting a seed. You plant a seed.

It's best to assume that she'll react neutrally to the statement.
But you're not really looking for a reaction. Remember that it takes time to redefine expectations (unless she was already secretly thinking of you that way). You're just fertilizing the soil for what's to come.

Now let's see what happens next.
4. FLIRT WITH HER (MORE)

If you kept flirting with her when you were just a friend, that's a great job - you've stayed ahead of the game.

However, many men don't flirt with their girlfriends... which is partly why they end up remaining platonic.

If that's your case, you need to START!

Start flirting with her.

Start teasing her lightly about things that are good to tease about.

If you've never, ever teased or flirted with her, you need to take it slow.

You don't want to go from zero to a hundred right off the bat. That's too strange and will seem incongruous.
The BEST way to start flirting is for her to see you flirting with other girls in your social circle and for you to flirt with her a little when you come to talk to her.

She'll then see that "this is how he is socially" or "this is how he is now that he's looking for a girlfriend" and will accept it more easily.
5. BECOME SCARER

If she does nothing but throw her hat in the ring after your girlfriend declaration, it's time to make yourself rarer.

You're going to become less available to date her, talk to her, text her, etc.

You will NOT cut yourself off from her completely.

You will NOT cut yourself off from her completely. You will NOT appear colder or less friendly with her.

You're going to continue to be the good old you... just less available than you were.

If you do this, it's because she likes you and doesn't want to lose you.

One of her big concerns about this is that she might lose you by dating you.
If this doesn't work out, dating you could end your friendship. She doesn't want that.

However, if you become progressively rarer, the message she gets is that she's already losing you, which (if she values the connection with you - and if she's your friend, she probably does) will prompt her to look for ways to maintain that connection.

This is where the girlfriend statement comes in very handy.

If you don't make a girlfriend statement (and tell her you're going to focus on finding a girlfriend), she won't know why you're making yourself increasingly scarce.
6. QUALIFY HER

Once a girl knows you're looking for a girlfriend (thanks to your girlfriend statement) and she sees that you're serious about it / that you support it by going out more, which makes you rarer in her eyes.

If she values our friendship, she'll start to fear losing you.

This can be enough to make confident/aggressive girls chase after you and seek to involve you in a relationship.

However, girls who didn't think of you that way or those who aren't as confident may simply feel like they're losing you and won't know what to do.

The next step in the process of turning friends into girlfriends is to help your friend.
To do this, you're going to start qualifying her on the things you like about her.

For example, if you're going out with her and she brings you something you like to drink, thank her, then tell her she's always so thoughtful.

If she tells you about a project she completed or an exam she passed at school, tell her how smart she is.

If she shows you a piece of art she's working on, tell her how creative she is.

If she shows you her new dress, tell her how fashionable she is.

You don't need to spill your guts. A quick, sincere qualification of her is enough.
Make her feel seen and special.

The goal is to make her understand that you SEE her qualities and APPRECIATE them - and that yes, indeed, you love and appreciate her.

You're still not showing direct romantic interest. However, at this stage:

-She knows you're looking for a girlfriend.

-She thinks you're flirting with her a little.

-She also notices that you've been making yourself scarcer.

-And, now, she's discovering that you really appreciate her good points.
Don't think that, because you're good friends, she knows you appreciate her. Yes, she knows you like her as a friend/appreciate your relationship with her... but she doesn't know if you SEE what's good and attractive about her as a person - and as a partner.

By qualifying her on her strengths when she shows them, you're showing her that you see them.

If you qualify her and she volunteers

Qualifying her at this stage can be enough to sway some girls.

Some of your female friends will start saying things like, "If you like me so much, how come you never ask me out? Do you really only see me as a friend?"
Again, when you get this kind of thing, the order of the day is NOT to "confess", but to a.) qualify, then b.) establish a SIMPLE barrier, then c.) let her "win" you over if she tries to overcome the barrier (her comfort test). For example:

SHE: [hands you a hot chocolate, your favorite drink]

YOU: Thank you, Ella. You're the most considerate person I know.

SHE: [sighs] Well, if you think so, how come you've never asked me out?

YOU: [slightly surprised] Oh, of course I find you attractive. And our relationship is extraordinary. But I didn't want to assume anything. You wouldn't be offended if I asked you out?
SHE: I think I just said you should!

YOU: All right. In that case, let's go out together! I think it would be really fun.

SHE: Me too.

Again, if she volunteers, you :

A. Qualify her (tell her she's attractive and that your relationship is excellent)

B. Then establish a simple barrier ("I didn't want to assume..."). I didn't want to assume. Doesn't that shock you?")

C. If she suggests that the barrier isn't a problem, you let yourself be convinced and tell her that in that case, you're ready to give it a try ("Let's go out together!").
D. Eventually, you can look ahead ("I think that would be really fun").

Follow the formula and you'll be able to set up the date, while showing a return of interest in her, without sounding desperate or over-enthusiastic.
7. DO BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND STUFF

Suppose you have done all of the above:

A. You've made your girlfriend declaration. She knows you're looking for a girlfriend.

B. You flirt with her, at least part of the time.

C. You've become rarer/less available to her (but no less warm when you're with her).

D. You regularly comment on what you really like and appreciate about her.

... and yet she still doesn't try to go out with you.
Maybe she's just passive and waiting for you to make a move. Maybe she's REALLY reluctant to consider you as anything more than a friend and needs more from you.

It doesn't really matter.

In any case, we've come to step No. 10: it's time to start doing things together as boyfriends and girlfriends.

That means things like:

- Going to boyfriend/girlfriend things one-on-one with her, like dates
- Holding her hand
- Putting your arm around her
- Cuddling with her
- giving her a pet name
- ask her to make you dinner before going to her place
Basically, you're going to act more and more like you're her boyfriend when you're around her, unless you're kissing her or sleeping with her.

Make sure she gets the impression that you and she are already together. Then you'll keep a low profile.

Very important: you must continue to be discreet during this phase. If you stop being discreet and start acting like her boyfriend before she's really with you romantically/sexually, it will be a close but PLATONIC friendship again.

You'll invest too much time and emotion in it, and you'll be hurt if/when she starts to slow things down or declares that she's seeing someone now.
When you see her, you'll treat her like a girlfriend.

HOWEVER, you'll see her less than before, because you're now rarer.

Does this send her crazy mixed signals?

Yes, it does.

And that's the problem: the men she likes, the men she's attracted to, don't make things simple and obvious for her. They take her on a rollercoaster ride that forces her to obsess over them, as she plucks petals from flowers saying:

"He loves me... he doesn't love me. He loves me! He loves me not. He loves me..." trying to guess their intentions.
That's how you have to become for her to redefine her expectations of you - and move from someone who sees you as a platonic friend to someone who sees you as the man she really, really wants to date.

These mixed signals are how you turn a friend into a girlfriend!

Girls may tell you they're "frustrated" by your new behavior... but this frustration is due to the fact that they're attracted.

Don't stop "frustrating" them in this way until you HAVE them (maybe not even then)!
8. ASK HER OUT & MAKE A MOVE

If you’ve done everything right up until this point:

A. You delivered your Girlfriend Declaration
B. You’ve started flirting with her more
C. You’ve become scarcer for her
D. You qualify her regularly on what you like
E. You’re doing boyfriend/girlfriend stuff

... she sees you as her boyfriend, or as the one she WANTS to be her boyfriend, except that she's frustrated because you haven't taken the plunge and aren't explicitly courting her.

Once you've been at it for a while and have done boyfriend/girlfriend stuff with her a couple of times, you should notice some major changes in her behavior :
A. She behaves more femininely in your presence
B. She dresses better to meet you
C. She's more interested in your life / intentions
D. She may be jealous or needy of you
E. She may become frustrated or irritated in your presence.

If she suddenly seems to be doing much better every time you see her, while at the same time being much more morose (sometimes elated, sometimes almost desperate), you'll know it.
These are probably NOT things you saw in her when you were just her platonic friend.

These are important indications that her feelings for you have changed - she now sees you as a man she's romantically attracted to. At this point - after two or three boyfriend/girlfriend excursions and some of these obvious signs on her part
it's time to pull the trigger and make things explicit.

All you have to do at this point is float the idea of going out with her:

SHE: [blah blah blah] [showing signs of attraction above]

YOU: [relaxed, curious voice] Hey, let me ask you a question. How would you feel about us going out sometime? Like a real date?

If she agrees, you stay calm and say, "Cool. I think it would be nice. No pressure or anything. I like being friends with you too". She's likely to say something very similar. Unless she insists on setting up a date right then and there, you should let it go.

This way you can let the idea germinate in her and, in a few days' time, send her a message to find out when she'd like to meet up.
If you ask her out and she gets upset and tells you she's not sure or something, stay calm and tell her there's no problem.

All you have to say is, "No problem. I just thought I'd do it. Don't worry."

Then keep doing everything you've already done - the flirting, the scarcity, the qualification and the boyfriend/girlfriend.
9. JEALOUSY PLOTLINES

For particularly resistant girls, we have one last option: jealousy intrigue.

The biggest "attraction reset" you can get comes from the girl you want seeing other attractive girls behaving attractively towards you...

This is what we call pre-selection, and it's very powerful.

What you want is a place where your friend can see you in the company of other beautiful girls who are interested in you. This could be a place of work, a class, a party, a nightlife venue, etc.
You don't want to give the impression that you're deliberately trying to make her jealous, because that would make you look bitter, petty or manipulative. Instead, you want to give the impression that you're simply an attractive, sociable man, and that this other girl is/these other girls are after you.

Don't overdo it or go too far. Often, all it takes is for a girl to see you with another girl for a few minutes to feel the urge to grab you and steal you away. You just want to trigger that feeling in her, so she realizes she feels that way about you!

It's a powerful method, but don't overuse it.

Done right, a single jealousy plot can be the last nail you need to turn your friend into your girlfriend.
If, at some point, a girl volunteers to become your girlfriend, remember our procedure:

A. Qualify her (tell her she's attractive and you have a great relationship).

B. Then set up a simple barrier ("I didn't mean to presume, wouldn't that offend you?").

C. If she suggests that the barrier won't be a problem, then you allow yourself to be swayed by her and tell her that, in that case, you're willing to give it a try ("Let's go out!").

D. Eventually, you can look ahead to the future ("I think that would be really fun").

If she never volunteers, no problem - once you've reached step 12, you'll ask her out anyway (by which time she'll already be under the impression that you've already been out together, thanks to the many boyfriend/girlfriend outings, and all you're doing is making things official).
Don't forget! While you're doing all this, you should be talking to more girls.

This is very, very healthy for you.

Yes, you want your friend to become your girlfriend. That's the goal.

However, you need to cultivate options to AVOID feeling too needy about your friend. If you start feeling too needy, you won't be able to stick to a good strategy (i.e. what we've discussed in this thread),

and instead you'll resort to ineffective, needy behaviors (such as begging, pleading, angry outbursts and confessions), this will sink your ship faster than an iceberg in the hull.

That's the end of our guide on how to turn a friend into a girlfriend.
Do you feel well prepared?

The change in her attitude towards you won't happen overnight (unless she's been secretly pining for you). Nevertheless, if you were expecting it to take forever, you might be surprised at how quickly things change with her.
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Nice 👍👍
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